House Cleaning Humor

Company in 30 minutes! What will you do?

Oh, no!  You’re getting company in 30 minutes and your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
1. DOOR LOCKS  If you can’t whip it into shape in 30 days, much less 30 minutes, employ the locked door method of cleaning.  Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.  However, it is not advisable to us this tip for the bathroom.
2.  DUCT TAPE  No home should be without an ample supply.  Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it’s a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything.  No muss, no fuss.
3.  OVENS, CLOTHES DRYERS, WASHING MACHINES AND FREEZERS-Great places to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company’s coming.
4.  DUST RUFFLES  No bed should be without one.  Some believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom.  The rest of us know a dust ruffle’s highest and best use is to hide whatever you’ve managed to shove under the bed.
5.  DUSTING  Never dust under what you can dust around.
6.  DISHES  Don’t use them.  Use plastic or paper and you  can just throw away.
7.  CLOTHES WASHING    You can turn some clothes wrong side out and rerun them.  This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don’t care if they get in a car wreck.
8.  IRONING  If an article of clothing does not require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer.  In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes.  Yes, it really does work, or so I’m told.
9.  VACUUMING  Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look.  Don’t bother vacuuming under furniture.  It take way too long and no one looks there anyway.
10.  LIGHTING  The key here is low, the lowest lighting you can get.  Not only is it romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
11.  BED MAKING  Get an old-fashioned waterbed.  No one can tell if those things are made up or not.
12.  SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS  Forget the shower and toilet, concentrate on the sink.

It is time to clean your house when…

  • If you just stepped on something and anced around in pain until you slipped on a magazine, it is probably time to pick up again.
  • If you find your scissors by feeling around your dining room table until you feel something hard of the correct shape, it is time to clear off a few things.
  • If you need a gas mask to open your fridge, you might think about throwing away some of those leftovers.
  • If you drop your comb in the bathroom and you pick it up with more hair than is currently attached to your head, it is time to sweep.
  • If your feet stick walking across the kitchen floor, it is time to mop.
  • If it takes more than 20 minutes to find your kids when you wake them up in the morning, it is time to have them clean their rooms.
  • If you haven’t seen the floor of your car for a week because of the Happy Meal litter on the floor and ‘wash me’ is written in the dust on the outside of the car, it is time to take the hint.

You Know It is Time to Clean the Fridge when:

  • The magnets are abandoning ship.
  • Your milk carton features an ad for the 1932 World’s Fair.
  • You have replaced your refrigerator light bulb with a bug zapper.
  • Your vegetable bin appears to be breathing.
  • Your son can’t find his science project in the fridge.
  • Your son’s science project is the fridge.
  • Your freezer contains actual ice from the Ice Age.
  • Your lunch meat has petrified.